Soon Enough - a narrative

Soon enough

She remembers her first time
It was so many years ago,
So many years ago,
She is so used to it now that she thinks it’s normal
That she deserves it.
This shame.

She remembers the first time.
It was a beautiful day,
A beautiful morning after, going for an early walk with her lover;
He wanted an iced coffee,
They stopped and sat outside.
She could feel the wind on her pretty young face.
She felt pretty.
She felt likeable.

She was debating with herself whether she was falling in love as he went inside to get the coffees.

She lit a cigarette, and the warmth of the smoke going into her lungs told her that it was a good day. She looked at the blue smoke disappear in the cool breeze.
Yes. She was in love.

At the next table a mother and child added to the picture of that morning.
The mother was tucking the child, a boy of two, in his stroller,
tying the loose safety belt,
tugging at it.
The child was not impressed, uncooperative.
He was staring at her and she smiled at the temperamental child.

The mother looked up at what her boy was staring at.
The mother frowned as she smiled at her.
That’s when it happened,
The mother looked back at her impressionable boy

“Isn’t it disgusting?”

Is that what she said?
Or did she say: isn’t she disgusting?




She felt the same either way
The guilt
The shame
The anger
She said to the woman under her breath
“Is that how you want to raise your child?”

But it was.
It was
How she wanted
To raise
Her child.

It is
How we
Raised
Them

Away from the corner she is dying for a cigarette.
She has 1 dollar and 38 cents
Three quarters
Five dimes
Two nickels
Three pennies
She wonders whether she should put this in her pocket, show an empty hand
Or show a little money to encourage people to give
As if they needed a clue as to what she wants
Standing there with her hand
Barely in front of her.
Bare

She is dying for a cigarette.

But who would give her money if she smoked?
Might as well try to beg with a needle stuck in her arm.
Not even.
People pity drug addicts.


FUCK



Didn’t mind smoking outside that much,
In the cold
The snow
The rain.

Didn’t mind outside that much.
Like a dog
A leprous
Branded
Weak.

Didn’t mind outside
But the looks
The stares,
The disdain
The disgust in their eyes
That’s what got to her in the long run.

She sneaked one in,
Inside
At work
In the bathroom
In the office
In the broom closet
then another.
Not that bad,
Nobody seemed to notice.

But she got caught
Once
Twice
Three times

She went back outside
But the looks…

She got caught again
Once
Twice
Three times

Warning

Smoking can be hazardous to your job.

And again
Once
Twice
Three times

Three strikes:
You’re out.

Out
Gone
In the street

She thought she could get another job
But it was hard
Too hard
Too old

Today for the first time she does not have enough money for both food and cigarettes
She ate
Now she is begging for the first time.

She is begging for a smoke
She is dying for a smoke


A couple passes by, and both look at her
Unconcerned
The man puts his hand in his pocket
Pulls out a loony
Puts it in her hand

Thank you muttered out of shame
She cannot look in his eyes

“Why did you give her money, she hears her say, she’s only going to buy cigarettes with it”

We did that.